


Not Him

by FiveStillAlive



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Fluff, Human Loki, M/M, Or Is he?, post-IW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:44:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveStillAlive/pseuds/FiveStillAlive
Summary: “Loki!”  His huge hands clamped around Loki’s shoulder, and Loki suddenly felt exceptionally breakable.  “You-  You’re alive!  How?  What did you-”“I’m not him!”  Loki finally got out, and the god stopped, and stared at him.  “I’m not!  I-  That is my name, but it’s not that uncommon, in Norway!  And I know I look like him, people have said, but I’m not!  I’m not!  I grew up here!  I’m a writer!  I have parents and… and high school yearbooks, and opinions about eighties cartoons!”  There had been a time when agents had come, and investigated his resemblance to the invading god, and Loki had questioned his own reality.  But he was him, and he was real, and he wasn’t an ancient god alien!





	Not Him

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this absolutely lovely Tumblr post: <https://topthor.tumblr.com/post/173907769056/topthor-a-totally-unnecessary-gifset-yeah-fuck>

They met outside a coffee shop, of all the cliche places.

“LOKI!”

Loki spun, alarmed, then grew even more alarmed to see a large, muscular man striding toward him.

He froze in panic, and his mind scrambled to place him. He’d seen him, on the news, online.... Thor! The Avenger! The alien/god/hero... way too good looking chap!

He found himself backing up automatically as the huge man - god? - approached, until he hit the wall, arms raised in a feeble effort to forestall the mountain of muscles.

“Loki!” His huge hands clamped around Loki’s shoulder, and Loki suddenly felt exceptionally breakable. “You- You’re alive! How? What did you-”

“I’m not him!” Loki finally got out, and the god stopped, and stared at him. “I’m not! I- That is my name, but it’s not that uncommon, in Norway! And I know I look like him, people have said, but I’m not! I’m not! I grew up here! I’m a writer! I have parents and… and high school yearbooks, and opinions about eighties cartoons!” There had been a time when agents had come, and investigated his resemblance to the invading god, and Loki had questioned his own reality. But he was him, and he was real, and he wasn’t an ancient god alien!

The large man - Thor - was staring at him, eyes searching him. One hand shifted up, cupping the back of his neck, and oh, oh fuck, that was weirdly intimate, Loki would be jerking off tonight just to that....

“It’s not a trick! I swear! I’m just me!”

“Loki!” he growled, voice authoritative. If the OTHER Loki’s reputation was anything to go by, this Thor guy was probably used to tricks.

“I’m not him!” Then, because there was a grief settling into that handsome face, “I… I’m sorry.”

“No.” Thor let go of him, and stepped away. “No, I.... A mistake. I apologize.” He looked searchingly at Loki again. Desperately. “You… look like him.”

And Loki didn’t want him to look so sad, and found he very, very much didn’t want him to leave. “Um.” He nodded at the shop. “Do… you want to get some coffee?”

\---------------------------------------

Thor kept in touch.

He didn’t seem to entirely grasp the idea of chatting over the phone, by either voice or text, but he could use a phone just fine, and through it they arranged more coffee meetings, or had lunch together. Thor took him hiking once. Loki hadn’t thought he’d really like hiking, but there was something about it that made Loki think of Thor as more a mythological god than an alien, and being out in the woods with him had been.... Loki was still trying to find a way to describe that sense of peaceful power, radiating from the god.

If it had been anyone else, Loki might have thought Thor was coming on a little strong. Acting too familiar too fast. But he knew Thor had literally lost everything, and was all alone on this planet. Besides, making friends as an adult was hard, and Loki got lonely too. He started inviting Thor over for movie nights. Loki collected classic sci-fi movies. His drama novels were what he was known for, through a pen name, but it was his trashy sci-fi novels - through an entirely separate pen name - that he really loved. Lurid space adventures. Sex, fighting, betrayal. And plenty of family drama. Loki loved stories, and there was no story you couldn’t tell, when you had an entire universe to play in.

So, sci-fi movies. Thor came, and they ate pizza and drank, and Thor laughed cheerfully at the bad science, and got really into the political intrigue. They talked for hours.

God, Loki had an absolutely terrible crush.

“Crush” didn’t even really describe it, but he wouldn’t LET himself describe it any other way. Because, aside from any other consideration - Thor was an alien superhero god - Thor hung out with Loki because Loki reminded him of his brother.

The way Thor looked at him sometimes.... It was love beyond what Loki, a short-lived mortal, could understand. He caught grief in his eyes too, sometimes, when Thor remembered that Loki wasn’t his Loki. But the love.... Loki would give anything to really be the one it was aimed at.

But it was love for a brother.

Loki couldn’t let himself forget. He wondered, sometimes, if he’d be selfish and twisted enough to step into that other Loki’s place, and take Thor’s love, if it were the romantic variety. He thought, squirming with guilt inside, that he would. Thor was too good, too much to pass up on. If he spent his entire life just being the placeholder for that other Loki, and getting Thor’s second-hand love, it would be the best life he could ever possibly hope to live.

Because he wasn’t that Loki. He was a mortal. And fuck, maybe he’d found religion of a sort, because he would absolutely live in service and sacrifice to this god. And if what he could do for Thor was help ease his grief a bit, he would live his life doing just that.

So he poured his unbrotherly feelings for Thor into his writing. His sci-fi books saw a serious bump in sales. Everything Thor touched was glorious.

Loki never let those feelings slip around Thor. He wouldn’t taint his memory of his brother like that. It would be too cruel. Besides, Thor wouldn’t want to come around any more.

\------------------------------

Thor had been borrowing books from Loki’s library. He was working through Asimov, but last time he came over he’d left the book. Thor had texted when he realized, and said he’d be by “later” to get it. Loki had been expecting him sometime that afternoon, but when he turned on the news, the Avengers were fighting some kind of alien robots in Japan, so probably he wouldn’t be getting that book today.

Loki brought his own reading out to his porch. It was a weird porch, the way the house set against the hill; he had to kind of walk down some steps to get to it. But then there was sun and no neighbors in line of sight, so he liked to strip right down in nice weather, and do his reading naked outside. There was enough tree cover that he didn’t worry about sunburn. It was really his favorite place to read.

Sometimes he fell asleep. He did that day.

He woke up to the sound of his back door falling shut, and looked up to see Thor on the steps, staring at him.

And suddenly there is absolutely no uncertainty. There was absolutely no misreading that hungry, savage WANT in Thor.

Loki knew. Absolutely knew. But he panicked. He grabbed his shirt, and jumped up, and held it awkwardly over his groin. “Thor!”

Thor came down the steps in no hurry. His body language was confident, certain.

“Thor. Uh....” What could he say? He wanted this, of course, but... his brother....

Thor took him. There was no other word for those huge hands, those powerful arms. Thor kissed him. Claimed him. Like he was salvation.

And Loki knew. This was too much lust to be aimed at him, a mortal friend Thor had known for maybe a year, who he ate pizza with. This was the other Loki’s.

And somehow that was thrilling.

“Oooooh.” Loki moaned, grinning, laughing softly, as Thor’s huge hand pulled his head back, and he began devouring Loki’s neck. “Oh, you filthy deviant. Your own brother?”

Thor groaned, in painful lust. In hurting need.

They’d rarely spoken of the other Loki. Loki was careful about even saying the word brother around Thor. They both knew Loki wasn’t him, and they both knew Thor got some comfort from the similarity, while not exactly pretending that he was him, and the exact boundaries of that didn’t need to be explored.

But oh. Oh. Boundaries were being explored now.

Or, “pillaged”. Or “completely shattered as if they had never existed”. He had no boundaries, to Thor’s hands. They touched and grabbed and groped, everywhere. He picked Loki up, and Loki wrapped his legs tight around the god, and then he was on his sun chair, and Thor’s - oh FUCK, his mouth was on Loki, and it recognized no boundaries either, went straight for his balls, then right to his ass. Loki yowled his pleasure, and dug his heels into Thor’s back, and dazedly thought that Thor was doing this because it was even more intimate than fucking. He was doing this because he’d waited a year, and now he wanted to claim Loki all at once, he couldn’t wait another moment, another second.

He needn’t worry. Loki was his. Loki was loud in letting him know of this.

He took his mouth away, and Loki had barely a moment to consider catching his breath, then Thor was - oh, where the fuck did he get lube? Loki rocked onto the fingers, hissing and growling “Yes, yes, take me, have me!” Pretend he was him! Loki didn’t care. No, he did care, he wanted him to! He wanted the love meant for that other Loki. Loki would have told him so, but he didn’t think Thor needed the permission, and saying it would only remind him of the lie.

Then Thor was in him, balls deep all at once, and Loki shouted, and dug his fingers into Thor’s hair as if he could keep him there. Thor kissed him, and savagely bit his shoulder, and hissed “Loki! Loki!” And Loki thought he wanted to say “brother”. It was touching that he didn’t, Loki supposed, but in truth Loki would have rather he did. Forget him completely, and think he was the other Loki, and give him every drop of that other Loki’s love.

It was like Loki could read his mind. Like he could hear everything Thor would not say.

“Loki!” I love you.

“Loki!” I missed you.

“Loki!” Stay with me!

Loki couldn’t be him, and wouldn’t make promises as if he was. It would make a mockery of this. But he murmured “I’m yours, I’m yours, I’m yours.”, over and over.

\---------------------------

They didn’t talk about it after, either. But somehow, they didn’t avoid the subject. Thor, unsurprisingly, was a demonstrative lover, and allowed there to be no awkward morning-after uncertainty. He was Loki’s lover now, as long as Loki would have him. Loki, of course, would have him for longer than a human life span allowed for, so no problem there.

Neither of them wanted to go public about it. They had a pleasant, comfortable nest in Loki’s house. They watched movies, and ate pizza, and made passionate, athletic love almost every night. Several times a night. Really, Loki didn’t know how he was keeping up with the god, but a single look from Thor got his heart racing and his dick hard.

He wasn’t entirely a substitute for the other Loki. Thor liked to hear about his books. Thor made thoughtful little gestures that were clearly aimed at him, no one else, no interchangeable brother lookalike. He knew Thor would never forget his brother, but Thor loved him. It just... somehow it wasn’t an important distinction, which parts of Thor belonged to which Loki.

Loki did sometimes want to tease him about it. Wanted to say “Call me ‘brother’.” when they were in bed, or something. But he knew his kinky game was Thor’s unspeakable grief. He would never make light of it like that.

\---------------------------

Nothing triggered it. There was no traumatic moment. There was no dramatic screaming of words, or life or death peril.

He was lying awake beside Thor, thinking how his life had turned out much happier than he had ever expected. They’d gone hiking again that day, and Loki was thinking of their other hiking trips, and the hunting trips together when they were younger, and when they’d gone out fighting giants. The movie they’d watched tonight had reminded him of a trip they’d taken to Alfheim, where Thor had been enthralled by a dancing witch, and Loki had had to pour a tankard on his head. He remembered-

Loki’s breath caught.

He remembered!

Loki lay very still, mind moving very quickly. He remembered! He remembered growing up in Asgard, growing up with Thor! He- His brother!

“Thor!”

He shook Thor awake. Thor was easier to shake. Not so impossibly, immovably heavy. Loki could feel his whole body waking up, coming fully back to him, could feel his magic, alive in him.

“Loki? What?” Thor was scowling, rubbing his face.

Loki sprawled across him, kissing him, gasping in relief at having him.

Perhaps there was more familiarity in Loki’s touch. Perhaps Thor could simply sense that the body pressed against him was no longer fragile and mortal. “Loki!” He crushed Loki to him. He held Loki as if he might disappear, again. “Brother!” It was almost a sob. His tone held redemption. Relief he’d been living a year and a half without. “Brother!”

“I remember!” Loki kissed him frantically. “I remember! Brother! I love you! I love you!”

“I love you!”

He did. Loki knew how much. And it was all his.

It had been all along.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos very much appreciated!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr: <https://www.tumblr.com/blog/runnerfivestillalive>


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